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Friday, 24 September 2004
Love, why is it real?
Now Playing: thursday-cross out the eyes ....in my head
Well, I took a break from the journal, and alot has happened since then. Yesterday, I was going to go back to Georgia, because I didn't think things were going to work out between Michelle and I. I hurt her yesterday by chosing that I was going to walk out and leave her. I mean we both have our own problems, and sometimes something sparks it, where you think there is no hope. I didn't think I was good enough for her, and she doesn't think she is good enough for me, so that is the problems that we both have. We both are self conscience and have low self esteem, which we shouldn't since we both love each other and find each other beautiful and attractive. I tell her I love her, and that she is so beautiful daily, and she says no I am not. She tells me she loves me and that I am sexy and I shrug like "yeah right". Now there is something wrong here, this is not the way to be in a relationship. If you two believe that about each other, then why change, or why feel embarrased or self conscience, it only matters what the two think. You are in this together, no one else is in it, and no one else will be in it, unless you let people know every detail of your personal relationship, which that could destroy a relationship itself. Another thing is Trust, it is so hard to trust someone, especially if you have been hurt before, we both have been hurt to some degree, and so since this has happend to us, we try to make ourselves hard, and not open up to each other, we don't want to look weak so that we get walked over. I have trust issues, because I have been hurt by her, and she has trust issues because she has been hurt by me, or hurt by others. One thing I know for sure is that I found the person for me, that I do not want anyone else, and never will want anyone else. She tell's me the same thing, so I have to trust her. We had some problems with porn issues, and it became where I thought that she did something bad everyday, I did not trust her, but she tells me that she is not doing it anymore, and doesn't want to, so I trust her. I told her that I won't hurt her anymore, and that I will always treat her right, so she has to trust me. It's mutual, we both have to trust no matter what the situation may have been, or may occur.
Love or Sex two different things in my opinion. She has problems with this, basically because she has been through bad times, I will not go in detail but, sometimes it is hard for me to understand, just because I have not had any sexual partners before. It is always love to me, and when it becomes something different it makes me hurt, it makes me feel weak and sick, that is another thing we have to work on. How we both can enjoy it, for what it is, the both of us sharing intamcy , and sharing our love in a sexual way, for both of us to be satisfied in the ways we can be. Love or sex is made to share with each other, not to think about other things, or other people, or view other things and other people sexually, you have to focus on your partner, that's what it is about, not just getting off, it is an amazing feeling when the two of you experience that together, by your partner, and not by other things or images. There are lots of problems in relationships, and I know now that it is not always perfect, you have to listen and learn, and teach and put it into play. I am so thankful for Michelle, and thankful that she loves me the way she does. We are both blessed to have each other. Today is a good day.
Posted by tinytim
at 12:04 PM EDT
Wednesday, 22 September 2004
How can I love so much?
Mood:
 happy
Now Playing: do i dee didi dum didi do
Uh, I am so happy today, nothing is messing with me today, nothing is bothering me, please God let it stay that way. I am in so much love, I love Michelle so much, and I am so glad that we are together. I can't express how much I love her. I thank God daily for her, just to see her beautiful face as soon as I wake. To feel her soft lips against mine, to feel the softness of her body against mine is just a dream come true. I am so lucky, and so blessed to have her. She will never know how much she means to me, atleast I do not think she will ever concept my love for her. I know she loves me also, but she is trying to get things situated, she has been through alot in her lifetime. I am patient and I know it will come through, I just got to give it time. Until then, we will wait it out.
Posted by tinytim
at 2:48 PM EDT
Monday, 20 September 2004
Happy! Alas!
Mood:
 a-ok
Now Playing: YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANNA
My oh My what a wonderful day. Look everyone Tim's happy, and worry free. Yipppiee. I know I am weird, but hey, that's me. My future wife Michelle said some stuff last night, that made me realize that I am not as happy as I thought I was. I am so happy, but I was missing it all, I didn't get it right. Today is a great day, it really is, I am enjoying every moment of it. I am not worrying, I am not shaking, I am not nauseous, it's like a 12 step program, but it happened in one step, and all that happened was, that my girlfriend opened up my eyes to, know matter what happens "I" will be okay. So why worry about anything, why get upset, just live and be happy, take advantage of what is now, not what was before, or what is ahead. Now she said something about the title " my heart bleeds the darkest blood", for those of you who do not understand what this means, I will explain it, because it sounds dark, but it isn't. When I walk along a street, and see a mother neglecting her child, letting it play by the street without supervision, my heart bleeds the darkest blood for that child, what i mean by darkest is the darkest thickest blood, it has to do with the pain in my heart. When I see a "Father" neglect that he has a child, my heart bleeds the darkest blood. When I see a mother and/or father choose their own selfish ways over the child, my heart bleeds the darkest blood. Every time a bomb is dropped on a town , Every time someone gets killed, Every time a teen gets pregnant, Every time a child loses its parents, Every time a young kid is shot up, Every time a friend,mother,brother,father,sister is lost to suicide, murder, war, aids, drugs, my heart bleeds the darkest blood. This is my explanation of why I feel this way, it has nothing to do with anything terrible or satanic, or dark or depressing, if you wanted to know, you should ask, it's much deeper than you can ever imagine. I love my Michelle, and I love my family and friends, without them, where would I be? Without God, where would I be, who would I be. There is a purpose for everything, and Michelle is my purpose in life, thank you for listening.
Posted by tinytim
at 1:46 PM EDT
Sunday, 19 September 2004
Well Laddee freakin dah
Mood:
 loud
Now Playing: fade to black - boy sets fire
I am a complainer, that's all I do. I worry to much, and I make my self nauseous and sick all day long. " My head hurts" boo f**kin who, I walked into hot topic yesterday, and saw some nice clothes and remembered what it used to be like when I was in the hardcore scene, I still am, but I dress like a little b*tch sometimes. Who cares though, it doesn't matter, it's not like anyone is paying attention to me, they have already made up their minds about me, who I am, what I do, and who I will be 20 years from now. I feel like a sideshow freak right now, and will feel that way for a while. It seems to me that we are our own worst critics, we put ourselves down more than someone on the street would. So we walk around all day crying that we are fat, and ugly. Who is the judge of that? So you start throwing up your food, and all of a sudden you look like a crack whore or worse, Clarissa Flockhart, or God forbid the Olsen twins. How sick can we be, to let ourselves abuse our minds, and our bodies. Its like treating yourself as a whore, you view yourself just as a pimp would view you, as a worthless no good piece of sh*t. Come on give yourself more credit. You want to lose weight cause you think your fat, diet, exercise. If your not happy, make yourself happy, don't sit around and pout all day long wishing you looked like Briney Spears, because all you see is the Hollywood magic. Hollywood magic is nothing more than tons of makeup to cover those "imperfect spots" such as moles, freckles, bumps, pimples, or hairs all of its just normal stuff. More of that magic includes touch ups with computers, so that you dont see that cellulite,fat, bumps, hairs, oh God forbid those imperfect breasts, or those imperfect a*sees, or those flabby arms. Plastic Surgery, the number one magic tool of Hollywood, so you have an imperfect nose, imperfect breasts, hair growth on your upper lip, a mole on your back, small lips, saggy skin, crows feet, go with plastic surgery, and hey, if your not satisfied, do it over and over again, spend all your money and do anything that you can do to get that money. Who is to say that you are inperfect? That if you don't look like what you see on t.v you are ugly. That is so much bulls*it! Those people are not perfect either. Take what you have and run with it, you are perfect, and quit being your own worst enemy. And if you have someone who loves you, and says that you are beautiful like my Michelle, then believe them. What you see on t.v is a game, a gimmick, to make you feel like shi* because you don't have all that money to look like them, or you don't have that extra makeup on in front of a camera that is enhanced with digital computer imaging to make you look perfect, so that when you turn the cheek you don't see a fat chin, or a crooked smile. This world is gone to shi* , the media is gone to sh*t it's all part of a big game. That is enough of my bi*ching and rambling! I'm out!
Posted by tinytim
at 3:22 PM EDT
Saturday, 18 September 2004
Dirty, and Rotten, Hateful, and Heartless!
Now Playing: Marilyn Manson - Coma White ... in my head, no music at work
Why oh Why the agony of this rotten world. I feel like I'm in my own personal hell at this moment. It's like I'm being tormented, by my own thoughts, and own actions. I see a sea of faces, and all I see is dirty, rotten, hateful and heartless people in the crowd. I wouldn't have a big problem with it, but they are that way to me. Sometimes I think I'm to nice of a person, and wonder how people would treat me if I was an a**hole, if I was a player, or if I just didn't give a f**k how I treated anyone. Sometimes I think I am to soft, but I just want to be nice and open and friendly to everyone. But being nice doesnt do help you in this world anymore.Join the crowd, jump on the bandwagon, be like everyone else, be dirty rotten, hateful and heartless gupie, and then maybe people will reconize you or maybe not, maybe we are all just heartless souless robots or maybe I'm out of my mind, crazy, and needs to be shot, or hunted like an animal and thrown into a pig pen like the fat slob I am. That is how the world views us, that is how people see me, they don't even know me, but yet, I am a worthless fat slob, and I will never amount to nothing, I am no good for anyone , she deserves better, I am nothing, nothing but the flies that land on your sh*t. Now is that your opinion or mine? I'm OUT!
Posted by tinytim
at 3:17 PM EDT
I am so happy, but not?
Now Playing: We wish you a merry Christmas?
So, just another day at work. A busy day, I'm cooling off from being in floridas hot hot humid climate, thank God I am not a roofer. Anyways, I am so happy, thanks to michelle, she is everything to me, and she made my day today, I don't really know why, but she did. I am doing good today, my nerves are calm, I am not worried about anything, I try to keep my mind off of everything bad. On the other hand, I miss my family and friends, I can't wait till I can see them. I kinda wish I didn't have to work on weekends, but, it's better than not working at all. Michelle loves me, atleast thats what she says, and I believe her, but sometimes it's hard. Mainly because of my self esteem. But everything will be alright. I guess I need to get back to work right now, I am glad I found this blog, it kinda helps me throughout the day when I have no one to talk to.
Posted by tinytim
at 12:04 PM EDT
Friday, 17 September 2004
Marriage, Divorce, WTF
Now Playing: Away from Me : Yellowcard... in my head
Well, sitting here at work still, waiting till I can see my girl. Anyways, I overheard a colleague saying " well that was my second wife" so I commented, " I am going to give it one chance, and if it fails, I will never marry again". I am serious about that! I don't know, I just wouldn't want to go through heartbreak again, especially 2 -3 times like this guy. I really think I found the right person, and I think she found the right person for her. If there is one thing I don't believe in, it's divorce. I mean I do believe in it to a certain extent , but just to divorce over stupid things, it's crazy. I plan on being with Michelle forever, and plan on working everything out with her, I love her, so I will never hurt her. She loves me, so she will never hurt me. I think about her everyday, and my love has never grew cold, besides the times where, i was so hurt I didn't want to love anymore, but that is the past and it is over. What we have is special, and everyone in the world should experience this, especially if that person is like her. We all have our own problems, we just got to work them out, and when in a relationship, there are two minds, two souls, but they become one, and when they become one, it's the most special feeling ever. Nothing will ever tear us apart, when you love each other this much, you won't do anything to hurt that person. So stay together! It's like John Lennon says, all you need is love.
Posted by tinytim
at 2:48 PM EDT
Weak and Nervous but Happy?
Mood:
 down
Now Playing: Medicine by Glasseater .... in my head
One by one the penguins steal my sanity. Or maybe the stupid thoughts, and stupid worries steal away my sanity. I have always worried in my life time. I wish that it would just go away. My body feels so weak and sick right now because of the worries, but what am I worrying for? I mean if something happens it happens, and if it don't , GREAT! Life is to be enjoyed , life is to short, so remember to have fun. Yesterday was a great day, it stared crappy, but the rest of the day was amazing, besides the fact, that i screwed up a couple of times yesterday.
I am so sick right now, my nerves are sick, my brain is sick, and im ready to be at home with my love. That is the only thing that would make me feel better right now. I have tons of work to do, Im sluggish. Im okay, Im fine...
Posted by tinytim
at 12:18 PM EDT
My life is great, but it also sucks
Mood:
 not sure
Now Playing: november by silverstein.... in my head
Well oh well, another day at work, with no one to talk to , and I am in a sickening state right now. My hands are shaking uncontrollably , and I feel like puking. I love my future wife Michelle so much, and I know she loves me, but I have a hard time being away from her during the day. I know I have to make a living, but I just love to be around her. I am new at relationships, so I am learning things that I never thought about. Basically all I knew was to treat her the best I can and do anything in the world for her. Sometimes that isn't the case, sometimes there's other things that come along in your relationship. We moved really fast, and I am glad that we are together, but on the other hand, I think to myself, what if we took things slower? There are several things that could have came out of that, and I believe that we wouldn't be as close as we are now, the relationship wouldn't have gone any further basically because we lived 500 plus miles away from each other. But who knows, it's to late for that. It is hard sometimes, but easy sometimes. The best thing about our relationship, is how much i love her, I mean my love cannot be measured . The thing that sucks is everything I went through or we've we through in the past month or so. It has really made it hard to trust , and hard to believe it wont happen again. Remember this alcohol is not your friend, and porn will ruin a relationship for some couples. Those combined will make your self esteem drop to the ground, don't believe me, maybe you will find out. And if it doesn't bother you, then that means something is terribly wrong, and means that you don't know what love is. Love doesn't come for free, love takes alot of work and practice, especially when your in a relationship. You can love someone, but to truly love that person, you will do everything you can , to make that person happy, and stop everything that hurts that person, so if your problems are alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, stop , and show that person you love them by being strong, and committing to not hurting them again. I will never hurt my love, as long as I live.
Posted by tinytim
at 10:52 AM EDT
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